At what point does our help and supervision become bothersome and unhelpful to our children? Let's discuss that, shall we?
When oldest son decided to get married, (actually, the pregnancy test decided for him; he was 17) he was determined, regardless of our opinion, to carry through with his plans. We met with his future wife and her parents, discussing the pros and cons and issues of their upcoming marriage. We talked to them about their youth, their lack of maturity (you KNOW those are two different things) and their lack of necessary (I'm talking a JOB, here) material things. We tried to advise and support.
Now the marriage is falling apart. He is visiting attorneys, arranging visitation, working with schools and churches and his soon-to-be-ex-wife to raise three children with some semblance of normalcy. Where do Mom and Dad step in here? What is considered advice and support BEFORE marriage is very different from what is considered advice and support AFTER. He has asked for some help, and we have butted in with some. (That seemed like a good compromise, no?) The complexities of the issues he faces are too overwhelming to face alone, and yet, at this time, he has no one with which to face them. Can anyone blame us if we try?
No one has, yet. I visited an attorney with him today (John insisted I go, if you must know,) and was welcomed and treated with the same respect and attention he was. But we anticipate a time when someone says, "And why are you here?"
So, how do I know when that point is, so I can avoid it happening? Mommies worry about such things.
6 comments:
No answers for you, but sympathy. Gary and I have been told at cardiology appts that Maggie is old enough to be answering questions for herself and taking some ownership of her own health issues, and that we need to let her interact with the doctor on her own. (Of course, he still wants us in the office and available.) It's sure hard to know what kind of support is proper and what is too much. Sometimes I think of it in terms of how much support I'd want, or how much support (and what kind) Gary might need from me, or what I'd want from my mom in a situation. Because adults need support too. And who better than from a spouse or parent?
I agree with your comment about how much support I'D want or need. That's how I explained it to Jay when I first asked if we could go. I said, "I would want someone to help me de-brief; do you need that?"
No answers here either. I imagine Jay would let you know when he wants you to back off. Meanwhile, you're there for him, and that's a lot more than some folks can say about their parents. God be with you all!
Paula
My two cents? All I can say is that I would certainly welcome ANY help my parents could offer in such a tough situation. Do you think that your son trusts that you would step back if he asked you to? Then until he does, I'm pretty sure he's happy to have you at his side for this.
Thanks, everybody. Shoulda trusted myself to be doing the right thing. Yes, I'll back off when he asks me to. Until then...
Nothing profound to add - just letting you know I'm "listening."
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